Stoned (And Not Enjoying It)

Image courtesy: Patrick Woessner

Last Sunday was not fun. I woke up around 5 a.m. with a sharp pain in my side that refused to go away no matter how many times I visited the porcelain throne (sorry for the TMI) or how much over-the-counter meds I gulped.

By seven, the sharp pain graduated to agonizing pain and I woke my husband to announce that "mommy" was off duty until further notice. There was no way I could face the kids. Instead I put my face on the cold tile of the bathroom floor and moaned.

Husband asked if he should take me to "see someone." On a Sunday morning, that left one option: ER. By now my brain was in hyperchondriatic overdrive. Appendicitis, intestinal blockage, cancerous mass, oh my! I said yes and proceeded to pace around the house puffing like a woman in labor while he coaxed our sleepy girls into clothes and then the car.

Sunday morning turned out to be a great time for a medical emergency. I got into triage straight away and after answering a couple dozen questions, I got an IV, narcotics, and a bed. The painkiller didn't work for long. I ended up getting two more doses before the CAT scan. The doctor kept asking me what the pain felt like and I kept saying, "It's like a stone that just won't go away."

I was more right than I knew. While I was picturing a rock about the size of a deck of cards, the actual culprit turned out to be a kidney stone--a 4mm pebble stuck in the tube between my right kidney and bladder. They sent me home with pain meds and a plastic container to collect the stone.

Luckily the stone passed later that afternoon. It was analyzed and yesterday my primary physician called and said I needed to do three things to prevent another stone. I dropped my lunch--hotdog slathered with mustard and ketchup--and grabbed a pen and paper. There was no way I wanted to experience that agony again.

Number one: drink ten glasses of water a day.

Okay, not too bad. I can handle that.

Number two: Avoid eating foods with sodium.

Crap-snaple. I live for salt! Major suckage. I held my breath and started to pray: please don't let her say sugar next, oh please, please, please!

Number three: Avoid eating foods with fructose or sucrose.

Hells-bells.

So there you have it. If it tastes good, I can't eat it. After that phone call, I knew my diet would need a complete overhaul so I quickly scarfed down another condiment-laden hotdog.

Bon voyage, packaged meats, snack foods, and salad dressing! I will miss you and your insane sodium content. Sayonara lollipops, brownies, and Froot Loops! I can only dream of your sugary sweetness. Hello fruits and veggies! Hello plain potatoes and pasta! Bring on the bland (and the gallons of water)!

Man, I gotta pee.