Friday, February 18, 2011

Fun With Fine Print

No, I’m not talking about the literary agency. Although, following Janet Reid’s blog is more fun than a barrel of monkeys cranking out 100 word stories containing the words cupcake, fisticuffs, jaundice, headgear, and Engelbert Humperdink. If Randy Jackson ever gives up his judging seat on Idol, I’m sending FOX a link to The Query Shark. The Toothy One's comments make Simon Cowell's barbs seem like mother's kisses.

Shark
Image courtesy WildChild1976

Okay, focus. Today’s ‘Fun with Fine Print’ is provided by Citi Bank and their missive on credit card coverage perks. Yes, this fine piece of writing unfolds into a ten-page (front and back) mass of legalese requiring a magnifying glass to read and a degree in physics to refold.

Why, pray tell, was I reading such dreck? I wasn’t! What do you take me for? I don’t have time to follow the latest on Egypt or keep up with the Kardashians, much less this stuff. It was my husband. Remind me to chew him out for reading this stuff instead of helping with the laundry or dishes.

Things that make you go hmmmm:

1) The Buyers Security Program does not cover mysterious disappearances.

OOOooo. I know you’re asking, “What is a mysterious disappearance, exactly?” Don’t fret, they define it for you. Ready? “Vanishing of an item in an unexplained manner marked by absence of evidence of the wrongful act of another.” So if a poltergeist snatches your iPad, you’re screwed.

DSC_8493.JPG
Image courtesy Flickred

2) The Trip Cancellation and Interruption policy does not cover “one-way travel that does not have a Return Destination.”

Wow. Legalese aside, is this even possible? The good husband says, “Yes, I can think of two places and they both begin with ‘H’.” Of course I had to up the ante. “Don’t forget the Hotel California.” He tried to counter with a roach motel, but no. As much as credit card companies are lusting after new addresses to bombard with applications, roach motels don’t come with mailboxes.

Roach Motel
Image courtesy cote

3) The best fine print I’ve heard of came from a homeowner’s insurance policy. I can’t quote them exactly, but to paraphrase, they don’t honor claims in the event of an accidental nuclear detonation.

BLAST5
Image courtesy bug138

Dude, that’s harsh. I’ll let you insert your own jokes on that baby. My brother-in-law came up with a wicked dare: ask the insurance agent how much a rider on this particular issue would cost.

On a practical note, for those of you owning jewelry, some insurance policies don’t cover lost gems, but do cover lost rings. So if your engagement diamond mysteriously disappears, lose the rest of the ring before you contact your agent (and for the love of Bob, don't mention the spooky apparition you saw earlier that day).

Seen anything chuckalicious in print? Let me know.

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